Reminder of the worst case scenario....

In recent months I've learned of several friends my age with Cancer (or spouses). While I want to be supportive and helpful....I fear I'm just a reminder of the worst case scenario...that Cancer often kills the people we love.

The best I seem to muster is "I know a bit of what you may be going through" and offer to be there if they want to talk. But I don't think that's much help....or enough.

Last week of July

Three summers ago at this time you lay in bed slowly dying. It was the last week of July, a hot humid time, just like now. In the evenings I sat on the sofa next to your bed softly playing guitar while you fell asleep. You had stopped eating and were drinking less every day. Your final words were a few days before you passed away, but until the day before you would still communicate by squeezing my hand, or giving a faint smile.

I slept on the floor at the foot of your bed partly in fear you'd wake and be alone, but also for my own comfort to know you were near. I was so worn out...I thought I was prepared to let you go, but one night when the moon was nearly full I jumped to your side as I couldn't hear your breath. As I stood there in the middle of the night holding your hand I became terrified that you had died...my heart pounding in fear...but ever so faintly your breath returned...shallow and slow. The end was nearing.

On the last day of July the hospice nurse paid a visit in the morning and took me aside to say she felt you would die before the next morning. I called your mom and dad, your brother and sister in law, your nieces, and of course the boys. As they all arrived in the afternoon and evening we took turns sitting with you. Through out the night each of the boys sat holding your hand, and E crawled into bed laying beside you. Shortly before midnight your breath sped up, and then slowed until you ceased to be. You took your last breath at 12:01 am on the first of August.

I walked out back, away from the house and into the field. The full moon was at it's zenith and I sat on a stump and looked at it for a long time...imagining it was you looking down. You were finally free of your decaying and painful body and I imagined your spirit soaring.

Any time I see the moon I think of you...and of the last night I held you. I will always love you and miss you. And I promise I will always stand by the boys and be there for them as we did together for so many years.

Rest in peace sweetheart

R

A new job

The last six months have been tough. In the fall my job had become so bad that I made the decision to resign, despite having no new job lined up. What was once a great company and position had become something I wasn't willing to put up with. I think job stress contributed much to my dad's sickness and death at an age not much greater then I am now.

I owed a lot to the company...the job put food on the table, paid for our homes, put the boys through college and in the end paid for nearly a million dollars of your health care. In the end they (especially my boss) supported us when you became very ill and in the months following your death. While leaving had an economic effect....the greatest effect was the loss of many friends I'd made over the years. I under estimated the impact leaving would have on my psyche.

I could hear your voice (and the voice of dad) telling me don't stand for this....don't settle....you can do better. It gave me the courage to break away....and the continued income from our business helped as well.

I tried to stay busy...working on projects around the house...helping out at M's ranch...going down to C to help get the house ready to sell...but I still felt less then useful and productive. Monday morning were bad....as others were starting the work week....I was idle. For the last 30 years I had worked hard every day...and love my jobs. I'm not ready to retire.

I interviewed for many jobs over the months which several looked less then appealing....but I felt compelled to try for every job as I told myself any job is better then none. Sears was the best example as they looked as bad if not worse then where I had been working.....same big, slow, dying company. Even the recruiter and first few managers described them as a "dinosaur". Im sure my lack of spirit shown through during the interviews. It felt odd to be happy when I wasn't offered the position.....if offered I don't know how I could of not accepted as I needed work...but would of hated working there.

But opportunity knocked....and I start Monday in a new position with an interesting modern company in a new industry where I can really shine. I couldn't be more happy.

Before accepting (I had another offer as well from another interesting company) I had long talks with you about the pros and cons of each job....and we decided together which one to choose....just like we did before. We made big decisions together...and still do.

I miss those talks....I miss your hugs, your scent, your smile, your spirit. But your still along for the ride.

Until we talk again....I love you.

A new member to this horrid club

A friend I previously worked with lost his wife several weeks ago after struggling with MS for years. Talking with him took me back to how I thought and felt back in those brutal early days. It hurts to seem him go through it, but necessary none the less.

Also recommended he visit www.ywbb.org as it's an excellent support group, loaded with others who have lost husbands and wives.

I wish you peace...

A Grief Observed

Dear E,

In the quest to find a slice of sanity after losing you I read scores of books...many filled with positive upbeat streams of butterflies and rainbow bullshit. To say the least most didn't help...I didn't need to hear "you'll get over it...be happy".

The one tome I did find laden with wisdom was C.S. Lewis's "A Grief Observed". He speaks with brutal honesty on his thoughts and feelings while journaling after losing his wife.

"If, as I can't help suspecting, the dead also feel the pains of separation (and this may be one of their purgatorial sufferings), then for both lovers, and for all pairs of lovers without exception, bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love."

Regardless of your stage in grief, I'd recommend you pick up a copy. My library had several or always available at Amazon...

http://www.amazon.com/Grief-Observed-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652381

Peace be with you....

Cowboy K

Dear E

M's friend's husband passed away suddenly last October and she is overwhelmed by the labor it takes to keep the farm running. Originally E and I planned on doing it but on Monday morning he came up with his typical myriad of excuses why he wasn't ready. I was pissed as he's pulled this before....and M wasn't happy either as they needed the help asap.

So I asked K, and he jumped at the chance. He's gone out four days already this week and loving it. He's been mowing, trimming, and helping with various tasks. M reports he's a hard worker (which we knew).

But what I think he likes just as much is being with the horses. He's always been good with animals. You'd be proud to see him and hear him talk about it each day when he gets home. It may be fulfilling part of his cowboy fantasy too.

I remember......how you loved going down to great-gram's farm and showing me around. Your gram and family was always so welcoming and it was such a different world from the city I was use to. You always wanted us to move back to the country when the kids grew up and left....I'm sorry we never got the chance.

I love and miss you.

R xoxo

Humor

Dear E,

Started watching the "Curb your Enthusiasm" DVD set and laughed out loud at the character Suzy....and I thought about how much we both loved laughed at her. Brought me close to tears remembering our shared sense of humor...how rare it was to find you. And how terrible to lose you.

I hope your still laughing wherever you are.

I love and miss you.

Never get to see them marry

Went to a wedding Saturday afternoon at a little church South of Champaign. As I sat there I thought of our day so long ago. Just like ours it was in a little church and the day was rainy. Thought about the boys wedding you'll miss....and was incredibly sad. One of the last things you told me was how your going to miss watching them grow up and get married and have grand children. You would of been a super grandma.

I hope your watching....I love and miss you every day.

1000 days and nights

1000 days and nights. It's been a long time since I counted the individual days. After reading the blog of a freshly grieving widow caused me to count the days again. How odd to find it's 1000. Maybe it's not an coincidence I decided to count again. Maybe it's your influence. I like to think it is.

Today is Memorial Day....just another reason of a million to think about and remember you. Your parents tradition was to drive downstate and visit graves. Some still think it's odd I keep your ashes at home. I don't care....I take comfort in having them near by.

I quit my job. Sick of their bullshit. Most think I'm crazy, but I know there is a better life out there. I thank you every day for having the motivation and foresight to start the salon. It's the income that keeps us afloat while I find that better job. Your Mom tells me your Dad sees it as a honor to you to keep it running well and looking good. I can feel your spirit as I walk around it.

G graduated college and found a job he loves. His skills of persuasion and negotiation are a good fit. You would be so proud of him. He would not of gotten into U without your help.

K and I dontated blood last week...and I thought about all the times you received blood during chemo. Those times we spent together at Edward became our dates. I even cherish the memories of those times with you. Afterwards I took Kev out for lunch and we had a good talk. He's certainly turned things around. Almost through year two in college. Quit smoking pot. I think back to how worried I was about him four years ago. Now it's E I worry about.

My friendship with M grows. I've introduced her to your Mom and Dad. She came to Easter dinner at your Mom's. They like her, and have been kind to her as I knew they would. Today she will meet N as we bbq. I feared having her there would make all feel odd, as in disrespectful to your memory. But knowing your kind heart...you'd welcome her yourself. You were always inclusive of all. Your parents have become my own...I couldn't be blessed with better ones if I had picked them myself.

My time off work has given me lots of time to clean, and fix, and most of all think about life....

As you became more ill I prayed to God to save you.

When it became apparent you were going to die I prayed for God to ease your pain.

When you died I prayed for God to ease the boys and your folks pain.

I then became so angry, so pissed off, so infuriated with God that I'd scream profanities at him. How does he have the balls to take someone so good. I argued you were so much better then I....that I deserved 1000 times more to be the one taken. I asked you what did I ever do that warranted you punishing me and the boys by you taking her.

I found a solution. I stopped believing in God. And I felt relief as then I didn't have anyone to blame. I wrote it all to fate. I stopped going to church. Ignored calls from the Pastor. Avoided neighbors from the congregation.

But I was missing something. Perhaps there is a God, but not one that sits in judgement of each soul, controlling and steering each life. I've continued to learn of other faiths, and been back to church looking for answers. A month ago I attended a unitarian service but it didn't feel right....almost as if there was no form whatsoever.

I've started reading about the Baha'i faith...and remember visiting the temple in Wilmette when I was a teen learning how they incorporate many of the worlds faiths. It seems to be along the lines of my thoughts...I feel that God is revealed through each of us through the prism of our own cultures....and each of them share common lessons. Even music, art, and science can be expressions of God. The common thread is "creation". To create is prayer. To create is to commune with God. To create may be the meaning of life.

You created our home. Our business. Our love. That was your tribute to God.

I miss and love you.

Would you approve?

Dear E,

I've lost count of the number of women I've connected with online and met for coffee, probably a quarter of them we have second or "real" dates. And after a year only three or four lasted more then four or five dates. Then they fizzled. It's after much reflection that I realize how much a match in sense of humor makes a difference.

I think how you would evaluate each of them....would you think it was a good match...would we both be happy...would it last.

I think you'd like and approve of Mellisa who I've been out with four times now. She gets along with her kids and siblings, was raised on a farm, some college, raises horses and not afraid to get her hands dirty, love movies, affectionate, kind, normal and nice. No drama noted at least so far.

I think what kind of man I would of wanted for you. Hard to imagine....I would of wanted you to be happy.

I miss you.

R