Things I miss....

I miss......

your snoring

the way you would greet me "baby....."

you sitting on the sofa with the cat in your lap doing a crossword puzzle

watching Jeapordy with you

hearing you dry your hair

making you oatmeal

cleaning your van

going to the little mexican restraunt with you

the smell of your skin

your eyes

your heart

you

Whispering

Baby - I try to count my blessings.

I'm employed, and if I lost my job I'm confident I'd find another in my field. I'm healthy. I've got money in the bank. I've got a son on the verge of graduating from college. A second who is doing well in his second year. I've got a house I'm in no danger of losing. I'm dating a kind, beautiful, intelligent woman.

But I worry. Will I lose my job? Will son 3 beat his struggle with drugs and graduate hs? Will I have enough $ to retire in 10 years?

I try to live now....but it's not easy. You were always a great emotional support, even though you had your own struggles. Although I'm not suicidal, I sometimes wonder if the pain of life is worth the pleasure.

I hear you whispering in my ear....it's ok.

I went camping this weekend with P. She slept in the spot where you would slept. She used your coffee cup. I drew the line at chairs....I used your old grey folding one.

It should be you I'm camping with....I'm still having a hard time not feeling guilty. I miss you baby...the way we would sit around the fire...talking, laughing, discussing the kids. Where are you? Can you hear me? Do you know how much I love and miss you?

Fulfilling one of your dreams

Honey,

We had so many unfulfilled dreams. Growing old together. Watching our kids find love, marry, and have kids. Buying a cabin on a lake up in Michigan. Sailing the world.

One of the dreams you had was to take the boys camping to Yellowstone. From the first day we bought the old camper you talked about showing them all the beautiful sites and wildlife you knew from your visits when a teenager.

Last week we finally made that trip. It get's harder each year to get everyone's schedules organized - school, jobs, and girlfriends all complicate matters. But we did it and had a great time. The greatest part of the trip was being together without all the daily interruptions. It draws us together. We talk about you frequently. Found your fire building stuff in the camper....your flint and steel are sacred to me. We all agree we need to continue to do this every year.

Eric has broke up with his first love....and his heart is broken. She isn't right for him, and he deserves so much better...someone more mature...kinder. It's been hard watching him go through it, but Kevin survived it....and so can he.

Whenever dilemna's arise I talk to you....and hear your voice giving me advice. It's usually right.

I miss and love you......

Replacing You

Dear E,

Another 4th of July has passed...I had your family over for a picnic and fireworks. Your mom hadn't been over in a long time....and we gave the house a good cleaning in prep; you would be proud of how the boys worked. She seemed to do ok....but I know it brings back tons of memories for her to sit in the kitchen.

Long before you were diagnosed, about the time E was born I suggested I get a vasectomy. You told me no, I shouldn't as someday I may remarry and my new wife may want kids. We laughed and I told her I couldn't take any more kids. Several years later the topic came up again after you had fought cancer for several years. This time it wasn't the issue of vasectomy but remarrying. At the time I didn't want to talk about it....we, or at least I was still optimistic, or maybe more accurately said, in denial.

It's taken a while to start dating again. I keep telling myself I'm just lonely, and not replacing you. The truth is I am replacing your role...but not you.

For the past year I've had a long distance relationship with L. She is nothing like you - highly emotional, full of drama and an alcoholic on top of it (or the cause). She doesn't get along well with co-workers, friends, or family. Lust outweighed love - but we were meeting some need in each other so we plodded along. Several times a year we'd visit each other, either at our homes or at a vacation destination.

Things came to a tipping point a week ago when during one of our marathon phone calls she was reciting her litany of complaints about work, neighbors, family, etc. I think the actual complaint was a dress code for an upcoming meeting. When she paused I changed the subject, having learned I'm unable to solve her problems, and best thing to do is just let her ramble. She bitched at me saying "that was mean" referring to having nothing to say on the topic.

I blew up....telling her how tired I was of listening to her complain about everything. I said there were two themes to our phone calls.....her complaining.....and us fighting over some trivial thing. I wasn't mean....I didn't call her names. She thanked me for being honest...and I was a bit surprised she didn't get any more angry. We said good by, I sent her a text goodnight, and another good morning the next day, with no response. That was a week ago, and I've heard nothing from her - no text - no email - no call. I've known for a while I don't love her, but I feel sorry for her as she's got a troubled soul - but it's something I can't fix. It's done, and I will not get sucked back in.

I know you would tell me she is as wrong for me as can be. My mom and brother tell me the same. I guess I figured a bad relationship was better then no relationship. I was wrong.

So back out on the market. Dating's been interesting, and I've met some nice woman, but none I want to hang out with for any length of time. I need someone that's stable, kind, attractive (at least to me), and local. A week ago I met N at Caribou Coffee; she had a good sense of humor and we seemed to click. Another date for lunch or dinner is planned soon.

Today I meet P at the Promenade for lunch. She likes to camp, country music, and if anything like her photo is attractive. I'll know soon if there's any spark there.

So I'm not settling for less. I know how good love can be....since I had you.

I love and miss you......R

An old Father's day card

Digging through a drawer I found a Fathers day card 20 years old. The kids were too little to write, so like the great mom you were, you had them draw pictures inside and then you added:

"To the best daddy in the world, we love you (and mommy does too)".

I miss you so much baby. Thank you for being such a great wife, friend, and mother.

Dipping my toe into the dating pool again...and it's uncomfortable.   I know I can't nor should try to replace you but find myself attracted to women that look like you, talk like you, act like you.   I even met one (online) with your name. Ridiculous as it seems, I take a little comfort in chatting with her.

I found your copy of "Mountain Man" by Vardis Fisher.   How you loved that book.  After reading a bit I find I like it and try to imagine your mind as you read it many times.  I loved the way your mind worked (well at least most of the time).

E has found a girlfriend, and I lifts my heart to see him with her.  Holding hands, sitting on your backyard swing.   I had "the talk" with him so you don't need to worry.  You never liked the having "the talk" with the boys...and felt it was the father's duty. 

I love you and miss you.

R

She died minutes after midnight on the first day of the month.

I miss her no less then I did that night.....and I'd still trade places with her.    She always talked about wanting to see the boys grow into young men.   She wanted grandkids, and to buy a cabin on a lake in Minnesota, and fish, and listen to the loons at night.

I've dated, but my heart isn't in it.   I'm lonely at times, but don't want to be with others either.  

Honey, I miss you and think about you often.    I'm not crippled with grief; I work, keep house, shop, and enjoy life.....but I miss you.    And will forever.    I hope I never stop.