In your last weeks of life your greatest concern was how our sons were going to handle your death, but most of all was your worry about our youngest son E who was 15 at the time. As usual, you were right as E he has had the greatest struggle of the three. I promised I would take care of them, especially E.
All three had trouble, but E has had the most by far. Drinking, drugs, and legal problems have increased in the 4 years since you died. Arrests for possession of marijuana, under aged drinking, and shoplifting booze have all led to him facing time in jail. He's been in out patient treatment twice, but he has not gained control of his addictions. By the grace of God and the judge's mercy he was permitted one last chance at inpatient rehabilitation.
He's been in less then a week, but claims he feels cleaner and stronger. I pray it continues, and isn't just lip service.
Over the past 4 years I've spent much money and time in trying to help him. Most costly of all has been the emotional toll it's taken on our family. I went to an Al-Anon meeting for the first time last week...and am starting to see how it's affected me. I quit my job as the travel was extensive and I wasn't at home enough. Now I'm depressed not working....and I realize I'm still grieving losing you. I fear I will never get over losing you.
I've started volunteering with a hospice...visiting dying patients and I found I come away with a different perspective of life. In addition to caring for the dying...I'm hoping it will help me with my own grieving....a bit of self therapy.
I miss you and love you,
R
2 comments:
Hi. My name is Sunny Lee.
I found your blog by chance while looking for someone who had a similar experience like mine.
My wife died of glioblastoma, a horrible brain cancer , on May 2nd, 2012 after fighting the cancer for three years. I am 46 years old man living in South Korea. I have two teenager sons.
Everything you wrote on your blog reminded me of what I had to go through for the last three years. Fear, anger, hope and despair, and helplessness.
In the final year, my wife lost her ability to talk, swallow, and move. I could not her her voice at her deathbed. It seemed you and your wife at least had some time to talk about what would happen after she's gone. I wish I have had a chance to do that.
It's only 4 months since my wife is gone and things are not getting any easier for me. Reading your experience of 4 years tells me that I don't have better prospect even if more time elapses.
I just wanted to tell you that I understand what you wrote in your blog, not perfectly, but better than anybody else with wife. I wish you better future and good luck.
Best regards
Sunny Lee
Hi. Sven.
Thank you for the message and kinds words for me and my wife that you left on my blog. I am not sure if the word 'hope' would have any use for me until I die as long as the hope is about restoring what I lost.
I listened to the audio book of "Grief observed" by C.S. Lewis. Just like you said, the book was better than other books about grief. I could relate to lots of what Lewis said about his feelings and thoughts about death of loved one. Thank you for recommending the book in your blog.
I reply to your comment here as I could not find email address on your blog.
Take care of yourself.
Warm regards
Sunny
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