It's all relative

Went to the first meeting of a support group last week. Six widows and three widowers attended, all who had lost spouses to cancer. Hearing others stories, thoughts, and feelings let me realize I'm not a crazy as I thought.

One interesting topic were thr "triggers" for grief. After four months passing, I find most days are neither all good nor bad. I find my mood is moderate and stable much of the time, but can quickly spiral down when something triggers rememberence of her. The sight of watermelon (a favorite food of hers), a song on the radio, a scent, or someting as simple as her handwriting on a post it note can push me into the abyss.

With three teenage sons, I worry about the best way to help them along. Two have girlfriends which seem to provide some support. The youngest seems to be struggling the most, and I try to spend as much time with him as possible. We are fortunate in that he has a close friend who lives nearby which helps. His friend's mom was one of E's best friends, and she has been great about keeping an eye out for him.

With winter here, the summer toys (kayaks, sailboat, camper and motorcycle) are in storage and the main diversion is music. I continue to play with a couple different bands and ensembles; bluegrass, jazz, folk, country-rock, and the like. Making music is balm for my soul.

After running through (over and over) the stages of grief I find anger being the one that reoccurs the most often. The best way I've found to burn the anger up is to get out my guitar and sing an angry song. The two I've used the most are Bruce Cockburn's "If I had a rocket launcher" and Elvis Costellos "What's so funny about peace love and understanding".

Off to play some bluegrass this morning........

A lot has changed......

I had nearly forgotten I had started this blog. In the days after the last post, my wife became less responsive to chemo, stopped eating and drinking.

We made the hardest decision of our lives....and ceased chemo and started hospice care. She passed away minutes after midnight on August 1, 2007. As prepared as I thought I was in the years, months, and days leading up to her death, I was only fooling myself. I miss her more and in more ways then I could have ever imagined.

I started this blog as a way to get out my thoughts, with no real intentions of sharing it. And I think for my own sanity I need to continue. And will. Soon.

Life as a widower (what a freaky term) is interesting, and I'll be back with more. We just passed the four month mark since losing her, and my thoughts and emotions have run the gamut. My greatest concerns have been for my teenage sons. Until next time.....