Replacing You

Dear E,

Another 4th of July has passed...I had your family over for a picnic and fireworks. Your mom hadn't been over in a long time....and we gave the house a good cleaning in prep; you would be proud of how the boys worked. She seemed to do ok....but I know it brings back tons of memories for her to sit in the kitchen.

Long before you were diagnosed, about the time E was born I suggested I get a vasectomy. You told me no, I shouldn't as someday I may remarry and my new wife may want kids. We laughed and I told her I couldn't take any more kids. Several years later the topic came up again after you had fought cancer for several years. This time it wasn't the issue of vasectomy but remarrying. At the time I didn't want to talk about it....we, or at least I was still optimistic, or maybe more accurately said, in denial.

It's taken a while to start dating again. I keep telling myself I'm just lonely, and not replacing you. The truth is I am replacing your role...but not you.

For the past year I've had a long distance relationship with L. She is nothing like you - highly emotional, full of drama and an alcoholic on top of it (or the cause). She doesn't get along well with co-workers, friends, or family. Lust outweighed love - but we were meeting some need in each other so we plodded along. Several times a year we'd visit each other, either at our homes or at a vacation destination.

Things came to a tipping point a week ago when during one of our marathon phone calls she was reciting her litany of complaints about work, neighbors, family, etc. I think the actual complaint was a dress code for an upcoming meeting. When she paused I changed the subject, having learned I'm unable to solve her problems, and best thing to do is just let her ramble. She bitched at me saying "that was mean" referring to having nothing to say on the topic.

I blew up....telling her how tired I was of listening to her complain about everything. I said there were two themes to our phone calls.....her complaining.....and us fighting over some trivial thing. I wasn't mean....I didn't call her names. She thanked me for being honest...and I was a bit surprised she didn't get any more angry. We said good by, I sent her a text goodnight, and another good morning the next day, with no response. That was a week ago, and I've heard nothing from her - no text - no email - no call. I've known for a while I don't love her, but I feel sorry for her as she's got a troubled soul - but it's something I can't fix. It's done, and I will not get sucked back in.

I know you would tell me she is as wrong for me as can be. My mom and brother tell me the same. I guess I figured a bad relationship was better then no relationship. I was wrong.

So back out on the market. Dating's been interesting, and I've met some nice woman, but none I want to hang out with for any length of time. I need someone that's stable, kind, attractive (at least to me), and local. A week ago I met N at Caribou Coffee; she had a good sense of humor and we seemed to click. Another date for lunch or dinner is planned soon.

Today I meet P at the Promenade for lunch. She likes to camp, country music, and if anything like her photo is attractive. I'll know soon if there's any spark there.

So I'm not settling for less. I know how good love can be....since I had you.

I love and miss you......R

An old Father's day card

Digging through a drawer I found a Fathers day card 20 years old. The kids were too little to write, so like the great mom you were, you had them draw pictures inside and then you added:

"To the best daddy in the world, we love you (and mommy does too)".

I miss you so much baby. Thank you for being such a great wife, friend, and mother.

Dipping my toe into the dating pool again...and it's uncomfortable.   I know I can't nor should try to replace you but find myself attracted to women that look like you, talk like you, act like you.   I even met one (online) with your name. Ridiculous as it seems, I take a little comfort in chatting with her.

I found your copy of "Mountain Man" by Vardis Fisher.   How you loved that book.  After reading a bit I find I like it and try to imagine your mind as you read it many times.  I loved the way your mind worked (well at least most of the time).

E has found a girlfriend, and I lifts my heart to see him with her.  Holding hands, sitting on your backyard swing.   I had "the talk" with him so you don't need to worry.  You never liked the having "the talk" with the boys...and felt it was the father's duty. 

I love you and miss you.

R

She died minutes after midnight on the first day of the month.

I miss her no less then I did that night.....and I'd still trade places with her.    She always talked about wanting to see the boys grow into young men.   She wanted grandkids, and to buy a cabin on a lake in Minnesota, and fish, and listen to the loons at night.

I've dated, but my heart isn't in it.   I'm lonely at times, but don't want to be with others either.  

Honey, I miss you and think about you often.    I'm not crippled with grief; I work, keep house, shop, and enjoy life.....but I miss you.    And will forever.    I hope I never stop.

A hundred years from now....

What will matter in a hundred years from now?

That the stock market dropped?
That my 401k lost 1/3 it value?
That my son failed algebra?
That I had to put $1000 in an old car to keep it running?

I worry about so many things. Will I stay healthy? Will I keep my job? Will I have enough money to put my kids through college? Will my mom need to come live near or with us as she get's ill?

When my wife was fighting breast cancer I worried...what if she gets sicker? What if she dies? How will I take care of the kids and house?

And then, she died. And I've survived. I feel guilty that she died....and I didn't. I feel mad that she left me....and I go on living, dealing with problems while she doesn't have to. I feel sorry for her and what she slowly lost....first her energy, then strength, then spirit, and lastly her mind. I asked her in her last weeks what she would miss about living. Her response...."fun". The fun of living.

I honestly would trade places with her today. Let her live.....take me.

I write this for myself. I expect no one to ever read it....but I need to just push out the thoughts through my finger tips. Out into the ethernet of the web.

Maybe shes out there reading it.

I miss you hun.

It's all relative

Went to the first meeting of a support group last week. Six widows and three widowers attended, all who had lost spouses to cancer. Hearing others stories, thoughts, and feelings let me realize I'm not a crazy as I thought.

One interesting topic were thr "triggers" for grief. After four months passing, I find most days are neither all good nor bad. I find my mood is moderate and stable much of the time, but can quickly spiral down when something triggers rememberence of her. The sight of watermelon (a favorite food of hers), a song on the radio, a scent, or someting as simple as her handwriting on a post it note can push me into the abyss.

With three teenage sons, I worry about the best way to help them along. Two have girlfriends which seem to provide some support. The youngest seems to be struggling the most, and I try to spend as much time with him as possible. We are fortunate in that he has a close friend who lives nearby which helps. His friend's mom was one of E's best friends, and she has been great about keeping an eye out for him.

With winter here, the summer toys (kayaks, sailboat, camper and motorcycle) are in storage and the main diversion is music. I continue to play with a couple different bands and ensembles; bluegrass, jazz, folk, country-rock, and the like. Making music is balm for my soul.

After running through (over and over) the stages of grief I find anger being the one that reoccurs the most often. The best way I've found to burn the anger up is to get out my guitar and sing an angry song. The two I've used the most are Bruce Cockburn's "If I had a rocket launcher" and Elvis Costellos "What's so funny about peace love and understanding".

Off to play some bluegrass this morning........

A lot has changed......

I had nearly forgotten I had started this blog. In the days after the last post, my wife became less responsive to chemo, stopped eating and drinking.

We made the hardest decision of our lives....and ceased chemo and started hospice care. She passed away minutes after midnight on August 1, 2007. As prepared as I thought I was in the years, months, and days leading up to her death, I was only fooling myself. I miss her more and in more ways then I could have ever imagined.

I started this blog as a way to get out my thoughts, with no real intentions of sharing it. And I think for my own sanity I need to continue. And will. Soon.

Life as a widower (what a freaky term) is interesting, and I'll be back with more. We just passed the four month mark since losing her, and my thoughts and emotions have run the gamut. My greatest concerns have been for my teenage sons. Until next time.....