An old Father's day card

Digging through a drawer I found a Fathers day card 20 years old. The kids were too little to write, so like the great mom you were, you had them draw pictures inside and then you added:

"To the best daddy in the world, we love you (and mommy does too)".

I miss you so much baby. Thank you for being such a great wife, friend, and mother.

Dipping my toe into the dating pool again...and it's uncomfortable.   I know I can't nor should try to replace you but find myself attracted to women that look like you, talk like you, act like you.   I even met one (online) with your name. Ridiculous as it seems, I take a little comfort in chatting with her.

I found your copy of "Mountain Man" by Vardis Fisher.   How you loved that book.  After reading a bit I find I like it and try to imagine your mind as you read it many times.  I loved the way your mind worked (well at least most of the time).

E has found a girlfriend, and I lifts my heart to see him with her.  Holding hands, sitting on your backyard swing.   I had "the talk" with him so you don't need to worry.  You never liked the having "the talk" with the boys...and felt it was the father's duty. 

I love you and miss you.

R

She died minutes after midnight on the first day of the month.

I miss her no less then I did that night.....and I'd still trade places with her.    She always talked about wanting to see the boys grow into young men.   She wanted grandkids, and to buy a cabin on a lake in Minnesota, and fish, and listen to the loons at night.

I've dated, but my heart isn't in it.   I'm lonely at times, but don't want to be with others either.  

Honey, I miss you and think about you often.    I'm not crippled with grief; I work, keep house, shop, and enjoy life.....but I miss you.    And will forever.    I hope I never stop.

A hundred years from now....

What will matter in a hundred years from now?

That the stock market dropped?
That my 401k lost 1/3 it value?
That my son failed algebra?
That I had to put $1000 in an old car to keep it running?

I worry about so many things. Will I stay healthy? Will I keep my job? Will I have enough money to put my kids through college? Will my mom need to come live near or with us as she get's ill?

When my wife was fighting breast cancer I worried...what if she gets sicker? What if she dies? How will I take care of the kids and house?

And then, she died. And I've survived. I feel guilty that she died....and I didn't. I feel mad that she left me....and I go on living, dealing with problems while she doesn't have to. I feel sorry for her and what she slowly lost....first her energy, then strength, then spirit, and lastly her mind. I asked her in her last weeks what she would miss about living. Her response...."fun". The fun of living.

I honestly would trade places with her today. Let her live.....take me.

I write this for myself. I expect no one to ever read it....but I need to just push out the thoughts through my finger tips. Out into the ethernet of the web.

Maybe shes out there reading it.

I miss you hun.

It's all relative

Went to the first meeting of a support group last week. Six widows and three widowers attended, all who had lost spouses to cancer. Hearing others stories, thoughts, and feelings let me realize I'm not a crazy as I thought.

One interesting topic were thr "triggers" for grief. After four months passing, I find most days are neither all good nor bad. I find my mood is moderate and stable much of the time, but can quickly spiral down when something triggers rememberence of her. The sight of watermelon (a favorite food of hers), a song on the radio, a scent, or someting as simple as her handwriting on a post it note can push me into the abyss.

With three teenage sons, I worry about the best way to help them along. Two have girlfriends which seem to provide some support. The youngest seems to be struggling the most, and I try to spend as much time with him as possible. We are fortunate in that he has a close friend who lives nearby which helps. His friend's mom was one of E's best friends, and she has been great about keeping an eye out for him.

With winter here, the summer toys (kayaks, sailboat, camper and motorcycle) are in storage and the main diversion is music. I continue to play with a couple different bands and ensembles; bluegrass, jazz, folk, country-rock, and the like. Making music is balm for my soul.

After running through (over and over) the stages of grief I find anger being the one that reoccurs the most often. The best way I've found to burn the anger up is to get out my guitar and sing an angry song. The two I've used the most are Bruce Cockburn's "If I had a rocket launcher" and Elvis Costellos "What's so funny about peace love and understanding".

Off to play some bluegrass this morning........

A lot has changed......

I had nearly forgotten I had started this blog. In the days after the last post, my wife became less responsive to chemo, stopped eating and drinking.

We made the hardest decision of our lives....and ceased chemo and started hospice care. She passed away minutes after midnight on August 1, 2007. As prepared as I thought I was in the years, months, and days leading up to her death, I was only fooling myself. I miss her more and in more ways then I could have ever imagined.

I started this blog as a way to get out my thoughts, with no real intentions of sharing it. And I think for my own sanity I need to continue. And will. Soon.

Life as a widower (what a freaky term) is interesting, and I'll be back with more. We just passed the four month mark since losing her, and my thoughts and emotions have run the gamut. My greatest concerns have been for my teenage sons. Until next time.....

Almost two months since the last post. After a month in the hospital she was finally released. When she was preparing to leave she broke her leg while the physical therapists were helping her stand and walk. They were ignoring her complaints of severe hip pain. You'd hope professionals would know something was wrong, and check it out before pressing her onto continued walking. Was a horrible break, requiring mega doses of morphine, and surgery to put a rod insider her femur. I'm pissed at the nurses for not watching her more closely when she fell earlier, for not using the restraints when they knew she was a fall hazard, for not having the fall hazard sign posted (they had the sign posted earlier in a different room), for not having her hips x rayed after the earlier fall. No one even expressed an apology. I think they were all to afraid of getting sued, which I still think about doing.

And I'm pissed at God. For giving her one more obstacle.

So she's been home and much more comfortable. I put a hospital style bed in the family room off the kitchen so she isn't so remote in the house (if she was in her bed). Her strength has improved and she can stand and walk on her own, but she forgets (or is too stubborn to admit) her balance is poor. She shouldn't walk anywhere without the walker and someone to steady her when she wobbles. Every day I save her from falling. Occasionally I'll let her fall to remind her the balance is shot (I don't let her hit the ground, but fall into a chair or bed; I'm not an idiot).

Her memory is not improving, and is actually getting worse. She forgets the day, time, where she is, and if she's already eaten or taken meds. Her personality has changed, being more hostile, even at her mother who in the past she was usually submissive to. Sometimes she still has mild hallucinations. In the past few days I found her crying, but a short while later doesn't remember it. She's eating less, and it's daily battle to get her to eat or take medicine. She get's tired very easily, and seems to be sleeping more. She's become more incontinent; urinating in bed frequently, usually at night, but sometime during the day.

I feel trapped. I can't even go outside for five minutes for fear of her getting up and falling. Several times I've caught her standing, or walking: thank God she hasn't fallen. Her parents are great about helping, especially her Dad who comes most days around noon, to be there until I return from work. Several of her friends; Gayle, Kay, Linda, Pat, and others have come in the mornings and stayed until Gene comes. Her mom come late afternoon and stays an hour or two, but I can tell she is worn thin as well. And her mom's health is not the best either.

I researched Carcinoma Meningitis on the web and see chances of beating it are nil. She has 2/3 of the symptoms. Others like loss of hearing and vision sound even worse. Optimistic survival estimates are six to twelve months with treatment. Most pessimistic are four to six weeks without treatment (which she has already beat). The treatment she is getting is the gold standard, and no clinical trials are out there. Her orthopaedic doc says her bone healed ok, but the bones in general are metastasized with cancer. The neurosurgeon reported the tumor looks like it's all gone, but the involvement around the cortex continues.

Her oncologist has reduced her brain chemo from weekly to every other week. He said there will come a time when it will no longer be effective, so he'd rather slow it and make it last longer since the cancer cells are reduced in her fluid.

I have resolved myself to the fact she will die from the CM. The goal now is make her comfortable as possible. And I think we are doing a pretty good job so far. I hope my own health doesn't go downhill. I get less sleep, feel like I'm having an ulcer (or heart attack) at times. I'm depressed, angry, and feel cheated that I can't do simple things like take a walk, or sit in another room. I get angry when she fights me about eating, taking meds, or wanting to sleep upstairs, but I try to remember it's not her fault; it's the brain cancer. And she still has to fight the bone, liver, and lung cancer growing.