1000 days and nights

1000 days and nights. It's been a long time since I counted the individual days. After reading the blog of a freshly grieving widow caused me to count the days again. How odd to find it's 1000. Maybe it's not an coincidence I decided to count again. Maybe it's your influence. I like to think it is.

Today is Memorial Day....just another reason of a million to think about and remember you. Your parents tradition was to drive downstate and visit graves. Some still think it's odd I keep your ashes at home. I don't care....I take comfort in having them near by.

I quit my job. Sick of their bullshit. Most think I'm crazy, but I know there is a better life out there. I thank you every day for having the motivation and foresight to start the salon. It's the income that keeps us afloat while I find that better job. Your Mom tells me your Dad sees it as a honor to you to keep it running well and looking good. I can feel your spirit as I walk around it.

G graduated college and found a job he loves. His skills of persuasion and negotiation are a good fit. You would be so proud of him. He would not of gotten into U without your help.

K and I dontated blood last week...and I thought about all the times you received blood during chemo. Those times we spent together at Edward became our dates. I even cherish the memories of those times with you. Afterwards I took Kev out for lunch and we had a good talk. He's certainly turned things around. Almost through year two in college. Quit smoking pot. I think back to how worried I was about him four years ago. Now it's E I worry about.

My friendship with M grows. I've introduced her to your Mom and Dad. She came to Easter dinner at your Mom's. They like her, and have been kind to her as I knew they would. Today she will meet N as we bbq. I feared having her there would make all feel odd, as in disrespectful to your memory. But knowing your kind heart...you'd welcome her yourself. You were always inclusive of all. Your parents have become my own...I couldn't be blessed with better ones if I had picked them myself.

My time off work has given me lots of time to clean, and fix, and most of all think about life....

As you became more ill I prayed to God to save you.

When it became apparent you were going to die I prayed for God to ease your pain.

When you died I prayed for God to ease the boys and your folks pain.

I then became so angry, so pissed off, so infuriated with God that I'd scream profanities at him. How does he have the balls to take someone so good. I argued you were so much better then I....that I deserved 1000 times more to be the one taken. I asked you what did I ever do that warranted you punishing me and the boys by you taking her.

I found a solution. I stopped believing in God. And I felt relief as then I didn't have anyone to blame. I wrote it all to fate. I stopped going to church. Ignored calls from the Pastor. Avoided neighbors from the congregation.

But I was missing something. Perhaps there is a God, but not one that sits in judgement of each soul, controlling and steering each life. I've continued to learn of other faiths, and been back to church looking for answers. A month ago I attended a unitarian service but it didn't feel right....almost as if there was no form whatsoever.

I've started reading about the Baha'i faith...and remember visiting the temple in Wilmette when I was a teen learning how they incorporate many of the worlds faiths. It seems to be along the lines of my thoughts...I feel that God is revealed through each of us through the prism of our own cultures....and each of them share common lessons. Even music, art, and science can be expressions of God. The common thread is "creation". To create is prayer. To create is to commune with God. To create may be the meaning of life.

You created our home. Our business. Our love. That was your tribute to God.

I miss and love you.

Would you approve?

Dear E,

I've lost count of the number of women I've connected with online and met for coffee, probably a quarter of them we have second or "real" dates. And after a year only three or four lasted more then four or five dates. Then they fizzled. It's after much reflection that I realize how much a match in sense of humor makes a difference.

I think how you would evaluate each of them....would you think it was a good match...would we both be happy...would it last.

I think you'd like and approve of Mellisa who I've been out with four times now. She gets along with her kids and siblings, was raised on a farm, some college, raises horses and not afraid to get her hands dirty, love movies, affectionate, kind, normal and nice. No drama noted at least so far.

I think what kind of man I would of wanted for you. Hard to imagine....I would of wanted you to be happy.

I miss you.

R

Things I miss....

I miss......

your snoring

the way you would greet me "baby....."

you sitting on the sofa with the cat in your lap doing a crossword puzzle

watching Jeapordy with you

hearing you dry your hair

making you oatmeal

cleaning your van

going to the little mexican restraunt with you

the smell of your skin

your eyes

your heart

you

Whispering

Baby - I try to count my blessings.

I'm employed, and if I lost my job I'm confident I'd find another in my field. I'm healthy. I've got money in the bank. I've got a son on the verge of graduating from college. A second who is doing well in his second year. I've got a house I'm in no danger of losing. I'm dating a kind, beautiful, intelligent woman.

But I worry. Will I lose my job? Will son 3 beat his struggle with drugs and graduate hs? Will I have enough $ to retire in 10 years?

I try to live now....but it's not easy. You were always a great emotional support, even though you had your own struggles. Although I'm not suicidal, I sometimes wonder if the pain of life is worth the pleasure.

I hear you whispering in my ear....it's ok.

I went camping this weekend with P. She slept in the spot where you would slept. She used your coffee cup. I drew the line at chairs....I used your old grey folding one.

It should be you I'm camping with....I'm still having a hard time not feeling guilty. I miss you baby...the way we would sit around the fire...talking, laughing, discussing the kids. Where are you? Can you hear me? Do you know how much I love and miss you?

Fulfilling one of your dreams

Honey,

We had so many unfulfilled dreams. Growing old together. Watching our kids find love, marry, and have kids. Buying a cabin on a lake up in Michigan. Sailing the world.

One of the dreams you had was to take the boys camping to Yellowstone. From the first day we bought the old camper you talked about showing them all the beautiful sites and wildlife you knew from your visits when a teenager.

Last week we finally made that trip. It get's harder each year to get everyone's schedules organized - school, jobs, and girlfriends all complicate matters. But we did it and had a great time. The greatest part of the trip was being together without all the daily interruptions. It draws us together. We talk about you frequently. Found your fire building stuff in the camper....your flint and steel are sacred to me. We all agree we need to continue to do this every year.

Eric has broke up with his first love....and his heart is broken. She isn't right for him, and he deserves so much better...someone more mature...kinder. It's been hard watching him go through it, but Kevin survived it....and so can he.

Whenever dilemna's arise I talk to you....and hear your voice giving me advice. It's usually right.

I miss and love you......

Replacing You

Dear E,

Another 4th of July has passed...I had your family over for a picnic and fireworks. Your mom hadn't been over in a long time....and we gave the house a good cleaning in prep; you would be proud of how the boys worked. She seemed to do ok....but I know it brings back tons of memories for her to sit in the kitchen.

Long before you were diagnosed, about the time E was born I suggested I get a vasectomy. You told me no, I shouldn't as someday I may remarry and my new wife may want kids. We laughed and I told her I couldn't take any more kids. Several years later the topic came up again after you had fought cancer for several years. This time it wasn't the issue of vasectomy but remarrying. At the time I didn't want to talk about it....we, or at least I was still optimistic, or maybe more accurately said, in denial.

It's taken a while to start dating again. I keep telling myself I'm just lonely, and not replacing you. The truth is I am replacing your role...but not you.

For the past year I've had a long distance relationship with L. She is nothing like you - highly emotional, full of drama and an alcoholic on top of it (or the cause). She doesn't get along well with co-workers, friends, or family. Lust outweighed love - but we were meeting some need in each other so we plodded along. Several times a year we'd visit each other, either at our homes or at a vacation destination.

Things came to a tipping point a week ago when during one of our marathon phone calls she was reciting her litany of complaints about work, neighbors, family, etc. I think the actual complaint was a dress code for an upcoming meeting. When she paused I changed the subject, having learned I'm unable to solve her problems, and best thing to do is just let her ramble. She bitched at me saying "that was mean" referring to having nothing to say on the topic.

I blew up....telling her how tired I was of listening to her complain about everything. I said there were two themes to our phone calls.....her complaining.....and us fighting over some trivial thing. I wasn't mean....I didn't call her names. She thanked me for being honest...and I was a bit surprised she didn't get any more angry. We said good by, I sent her a text goodnight, and another good morning the next day, with no response. That was a week ago, and I've heard nothing from her - no text - no email - no call. I've known for a while I don't love her, but I feel sorry for her as she's got a troubled soul - but it's something I can't fix. It's done, and I will not get sucked back in.

I know you would tell me she is as wrong for me as can be. My mom and brother tell me the same. I guess I figured a bad relationship was better then no relationship. I was wrong.

So back out on the market. Dating's been interesting, and I've met some nice woman, but none I want to hang out with for any length of time. I need someone that's stable, kind, attractive (at least to me), and local. A week ago I met N at Caribou Coffee; she had a good sense of humor and we seemed to click. Another date for lunch or dinner is planned soon.

Today I meet P at the Promenade for lunch. She likes to camp, country music, and if anything like her photo is attractive. I'll know soon if there's any spark there.

So I'm not settling for less. I know how good love can be....since I had you.

I love and miss you......R