Emails to my dead wife

Reminder of the worst case scenario....

2010-11-18T12:48:00.000-08:00

In recent months I've learned of several friends my age with Cancer (or spouses). While I want to be supportive and helpful....I fear I'm just a reminder of the worst case scenario...that Cancer often kills the people we love.

The best I seem to muster is "I know a bit of what you may be going through" and offer to be there if they want to talk. But I don't think that's much help....or enough.

Last week of July

2010-07-26T21:18:00.000-07:00

Three summers ago at this time you lay in bed slowly dying. It was the last week of July, a hot humid time, just like now. In the evenings I sat on the sofa next to your bed softly playing guitar while you fell asleep. You had stopped eating and were drinking less every day. Your final words were a few days before you passed away, but until the day before you would still communicate by squeezing my hand, or giving a faint smile.

I slept on the floor at the foot of your bed partly in fear you'd wake and be alone, but also for my own comfort to know you were near. I was so worn out...I thought I was prepared to let you go, but one night when the moon was nearly full I jumped to your side as I couldn't hear your breath. As I stood there in the middle of the night holding your hand I became terrified that you had died...my heart pounding in fear...but ever so faintly your breath returned...shallow and slow. The end was nearing.

On the last day of July the hospice nurse paid a visit in the morning and took me aside to say she felt you would die before the next morning. I called your mom and dad, your brother and sister in law, your nieces, and of course the boys. As they all arrived in the afternoon and evening we took turns sitting with you. Through out the night each of the boys sat holding your hand, and E crawled into bed laying beside you. Shortly before midnight your breath sped up, and then slowed until you ceased to be. You took your last breath at 12:01 am on the first of August.

I walked out back, away from the house and into the field. The full moon was at it's zenith and I sat on a stump and looked at it for a long time...imagining it was you looking down. You were finally free of your decaying and painful body and I imagined your spirit soaring.

Any time I see the moon I think of you...and of the last night I held you. I will always love you and miss you. And I promise I will always stand by the boys and be there for them as we did together for so many years.

Rest in peace sweetheart

A new job

2010-07-07T04:04:00.000-07:00

The last six months have been tough. In the fall my job had become so bad that I made the decision to resign, despite having no new job lined up. What was once a great company and position had become something I wasn't willing to put up with. I think job stress contributed much to my dad's sickness and death at an age not much greater then I am now.

I owed a lot to the company...the job put food on the table, paid for our homes, put the boys through college and in the end paid for nearly a million dollars of your health care. In the end they (especially my boss) supported us when you became very ill and in the months following your death. While leaving had an economic effect....the greatest effect was the loss of many friends I'd made over the years. I under estimated the impact leaving would have on my psyche.

I could hear your voice (and the voice of dad) telling me don't stand for this....don't settle....you can do better. It gave me the courage to break away....and the continued income from our business helped as well.

I tried to stay busy...working on projects around the house...helping out at M's ranch...going down to C to help get the house ready to sell...but I still felt less then useful and productive. Monday morning were bad....as others were starting the work week....I was idle. For the last 30 years I had worked hard every day...and love my jobs. I'm not ready to retire.

I interviewed for many jobs over the months which several looked less then appealing....but I felt compelled to try for every job as I told myself any job is better then none. Sears was the best example as they looked as bad if not worse then where I had been working.....same big, slow, dying company. Even the recruiter and first few managers described them as a "dinosaur". Im sure my lack of spirit shown through during the interviews. It felt odd to be happy when I wasn't offered the position.....if offered I don't know how I could of not accepted as I needed work...but would of hated working there.

But opportunity knocked....and I start Monday in a new position with an interesting modern company in a new industry where I can really shine. I couldn't be more happy.

Before accepting (I had another offer as well from another interesting company) I had long talks with you about the pros and cons of each job....and we decided together which one to choose....just like we did before. We made big decisions together...and still do.

I miss those talks....I miss your hugs, your scent, your smile, your spirit. But your still along for the ride.

Until we talk again....I love you.

A new member to this horrid club

2010-07-03T09:30:00.001-07:00

A friend I previously worked with lost his wife several weeks ago after struggling with MS for years. Talking with him took me back to how I thought and felt back in those brutal early days. It hurts to seem him go through it, but necessary none the less.

Also recommended he visit www.ywbb.org as it's an excellent support group, loaded with others who have lost husbands and wives.

I wish you peace...

A Grief Observed

2010-06-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

Dear E,

In the quest to find a slice of sanity after losing you I read scores of books...many filled with positive upbeat streams of butterflies and rainbow bullshit. To say the least most didn't help...I didn't need to hear "you'll get over it...be happy".

The one tome I did find laden with wisdom was C.S. Lewis's "A Grief Observed". He speaks with brutal honesty on his thoughts and feelings while journaling after losing his wife.

"If, as I can't help suspecting, the dead also feel the pains of separation (and this may be one of their purgatorial sufferings), then for both lovers, and for all pairs of lovers without exception, bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love."

Regardless of your stage in grief, I'd recommend you pick up a copy. My library had several or always available at Amazon...

http://www.amazon.com/Grief-Observed-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652381

Peace be with you....

Cowboy K

2010-06-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

Dear E

M's friend's husband passed away suddenly last October and she is overwhelmed by the labor it takes to keep the farm running. Originally E and I planned on doing it but on Monday morning he came up with his typical myriad of excuses why he wasn't ready. I was pissed as he's pulled this before....and M wasn't happy either as they needed the help asap.

So I asked K, and he jumped at the chance. He's gone out four days already this week and loving it. He's been mowing, trimming, and helping with various tasks. M reports he's a hard worker (which we knew).

But what I think he likes just as much is being with the horses. He's always been good with animals. You'd be proud to see him and hear him talk about it each day when he gets home. It may be fulfilling part of his cowboy fantasy too.

I remember......how you loved going down to great-gram's farm and showing me around. Your gram and family was always so welcoming and it was such a different world from the city I was use to. You always wanted us to move back to the country when the kids grew up and left....I'm sorry we never got the chance.

I love and miss you.

R xoxo

Humor

2010-06-15T19:19:00.000-07:00

Dear E,

Started watching the "Curb your Enthusiasm" DVD set and laughed out loud at the character Suzy....and I thought about how much we both loved laughed at her. Brought me close to tears remembering our shared sense of humor...how rare it was to find you. And how terrible to lose you.

I hope your still laughing wherever you are.

I love and miss you.

Never get to see them marry

2010-06-13T16:59:00.001-07:00

Went to a wedding Saturday afternoon at a little church South of Champaign. As I sat there I thought of our day so long ago. Just like ours it was in a little church and the day was rainy. Thought about the boys wedding you'll miss....and was incredibly sad. One of the last things you told me was how your going to miss watching them grow up and get married and have grand children. You would of been a super grandma.

I hope your watching....I love and miss you every day.

1000 days and nights

2010-05-30T05:47:00.000-07:00

1000 days and nights. It's been a long time since I counted the individual days. After reading the blog of a freshly grieving widow caused me to count the days again. How odd to find it's 1000. Maybe it's not an coincidence I decided to count again. Maybe it's your influence. I like to think it is.

Today is Memorial Day....just another reason of a million to think about and remember you. Your parents tradition was to drive downstate and visit graves. Some still think it's odd I keep your ashes at home. I don't care....I take comfort in having them near by.

I quit my job. Sick of their bullshit. Most think I'm crazy, but I know there is a better life out there. I thank you every day for having the motivation and foresight to start the salon. It's the income that keeps us afloat while I find that better job. Your Mom tells me your Dad sees it as a honor to you to keep it running well and looking good. I can feel your spirit as I walk around it.

G graduated college and found a job he loves. His skills of persuasion and negotiation are a good fit. You would be so proud of him. He would not of gotten into U without your help.

K and I dontated blood last week...and I thought about all the times you received blood during chemo. Those times we spent together at Edward became our dates. I even cherish the memories of those times with you. Afterwards I took Kev out for lunch and we had a good talk. He's certainly turned things around. Almost through year two in college. Quit smoking pot. I think back to how worried I was about him four years ago. Now it's E I worry about.

My friendship with M grows. I've introduced her to your Mom and Dad. She came to Easter dinner at your Mom's. They like her, and have been kind to her as I knew they would. Today she will meet N as we bbq. I feared having her there would make all feel odd, as in disrespectful to your memory. But knowing your kind heart...you'd welcome her yourself. You were always inclusive of all. Your parents have become my own...I couldn't be blessed with better ones if I had picked them myself.

My time off work has given me lots of time to clean, and fix, and most of all think about life....

As you became more ill I prayed to God to save you.

When it became apparent you were going to die I prayed for God to ease your pain.

When you died I prayed for God to ease the boys and your folks pain.

I then became so angry, so pissed off, so infuriated with God that I'd scream profanities at him. How does he have the balls to take someone so good. I argued you were so much better then I....that I deserved 1000 times more to be the one taken. I asked you what did I ever do that warranted you punishing me and the boys by you taking her.

I found a solution. I stopped believing in God. And I felt relief as then I didn't have anyone to blame. I wrote it all to fate. I stopped going to church. Ignored calls from the Pastor. Avoided neighbors from the congregation.

But I was missing something. Perhaps there is a God, but not one that sits in judgement of each soul, controlling and steering each life. I've continued to learn of other faiths, and been back to church looking for answers. A month ago I attended a unitarian service but it didn't feel right....almost as if there was no form whatsoever.

I've started reading about the Baha'i faith...and remember visiting the temple in Wilmette when I was a teen learning how they incorporate many of the worlds faiths. It seems to be along the lines of my thoughts...I feel that God is revealed through each of us through the prism of our own cultures....and each of them share common lessons. Even music, art, and science can be expressions of God. The common thread is "creation". To create is prayer. To create is to commune with God. To create may be the meaning of life.

You created our home. Our business. Our love. That was your tribute to God.

I miss and love you.

Would you approve?

2010-01-08T04:58:00.000-08:00

Dear E,

I've lost count of the number of women I've connected with online and met for coffee, probably a quarter of them we have second or "real" dates. And after a year only three or four lasted more then four or five dates. Then they fizzled. It's after much reflection that I realize how much a match in sense of humor makes a difference.

I think how you would evaluate each of them....would you think it was a good match...would we both be happy...would it last.

I think you'd like and approve of Mellisa who I've been out with four times now. She gets along with her kids and siblings, was raised on a farm, some college, raises horses and not afraid to get her hands dirty, love movies, affectionate, kind, normal and nice. No drama noted at least so far.

I think what kind of man I would of wanted for you. Hard to imagine....I would of wanted you to be happy.

I miss you.

Things I miss....

2009-11-03T18:54:00.001-08:00

I miss......

your snoring

the way you would greet me "baby....."

you sitting on the sofa with the cat in your lap doing a crossword puzzle

watching Jeapordy with you

hearing you dry your hair

making you oatmeal

cleaning your van

going to the little mexican restraunt with you

the smell of your skin

your eyes

your heart

you

Whispering

2009-10-17T04:36:00.000-07:00

Baby - I try to count my blessings.

I'm employed, and if I lost my job I'm confident I'd find another in my field. I'm healthy. I've got money in the bank. I've got a son on the verge of graduating from college. A second who is doing well in his second year. I've got a house I'm in no danger of losing. I'm dating a kind, beautiful, intelligent woman.

But I worry. Will I lose my job? Will son 3 beat his struggle with drugs and graduate hs? Will I have enough $ to retire in 10 years?

I try to live now....but it's not easy. You were always a great emotional support, even though you had your own struggles. Although I'm not suicidal, I sometimes wonder if the pain of life is worth the pleasure.

I hear you whispering in my ear....it's ok.

2009-09-20T17:40:00.000-07:00

I went camping this weekend with P. She slept in the spot where you would slept. She used your coffee cup. I drew the line at chairs....I used your old grey folding one.

It should be you I'm camping with....I'm still having a hard time not feeling guilty. I miss you baby...the way we would sit around the fire...talking, laughing, discussing the kids. Where are you? Can you hear me? Do you know how much I love and miss you?

Fulfilling one of your dreams

2009-08-21T03:50:00.000-07:00

Honey,

We had so many unfulfilled dreams. Growing old together. Watching our kids find love, marry, and have kids. Buying a cabin on a lake up in Michigan. Sailing the world.

One of the dreams you had was to take the boys camping to Yellowstone. From the first day we bought the old camper you talked about showing them all the beautiful sites and wildlife you knew from your visits when a teenager.

Last week we finally made that trip. It get's harder each year to get everyone's schedules organized - school, jobs, and girlfriends all complicate matters. But we did it and had a great time. The greatest part of the trip was being together without all the daily interruptions. It draws us together. We talk about you frequently. Found your fire building stuff in the camper....your flint and steel are sacred to me. We all agree we need to continue to do this every year.

Eric has broke up with his first love....and his heart is broken. She isn't right for him, and he deserves so much better...someone more mature...kinder. It's been hard watching him go through it, but Kevin survived it....and so can he.

Whenever dilemna's arise I talk to you....and hear your voice giving me advice. It's usually right.

I miss and love you......

Replacing You

2009-07-05T07:30:00.000-07:00

Dear E,

Another 4th of July has passed...I had your family over for a picnic and fireworks. Your mom hadn't been over in a long time....and we gave the house a good cleaning in prep; you would be proud of how the boys worked. She seemed to do ok....but I know it brings back tons of memories for her to sit in the kitchen.

Long before you were diagnosed, about the time E was born I suggested I get a vasectomy. You told me no, I shouldn't as someday I may remarry and my new wife may want kids. We laughed and I told her I couldn't take any more kids. Several years later the topic came up again after you had fought cancer for several years. This time it wasn't the issue of vasectomy but remarrying. At the time I didn't want to talk about it....we, or at least I was still optimistic, or maybe more accurately said, in denial.

It's taken a while to start dating again. I keep telling myself I'm just lonely, and not replacing you. The truth is I am replacing your role...but not you.

For the past year I've had a long distance relationship with L. She is nothing like you - highly emotional, full of drama and an alcoholic on top of it (or the cause). She doesn't get along well with co-workers, friends, or family. Lust outweighed love - but we were meeting some need in each other so we plodded along. Several times a year we'd visit each other, either at our homes or at a vacation destination.

Things came to a tipping point a week ago when during one of our marathon phone calls she was reciting her litany of complaints about work, neighbors, family, etc. I think the actual complaint was a dress code for an upcoming meeting. When she paused I changed the subject, having learned I'm unable to solve her problems, and best thing to do is just let her ramble. She bitched at me saying "that was mean" referring to having nothing to say on the topic.

I blew up....telling her how tired I was of listening to her complain about everything. I said there were two themes to our phone calls.....her complaining.....and us fighting over some trivial thing. I wasn't mean....I didn't call her names. She thanked me for being honest...and I was a bit surprised she didn't get any more angry. We said good by, I sent her a text goodnight, and another good morning the next day, with no response. That was a week ago, and I've heard nothing from her - no text - no email - no call. I've known for a while I don't love her, but I feel sorry for her as she's got a troubled soul - but it's something I can't fix. It's done, and I will not get sucked back in.

I know you would tell me she is as wrong for me as can be. My mom and brother tell me the same. I guess I figured a bad relationship was better then no relationship. I was wrong.

So back out on the market. Dating's been interesting, and I've met some nice woman, but none I want to hang out with for any length of time. I need someone that's stable, kind, attractive (at least to me), and local. A week ago I met N at Caribou Coffee; she had a good sense of humor and we seemed to click. Another date for lunch or dinner is planned soon.

Today I meet P at the Promenade for lunch. She likes to camp, country music, and if anything like her photo is attractive. I'll know soon if there's any spark there.

So I'm not settling for less. I know how good love can be....since I had you.

I love and miss you......R

An old Father's day card

2009-06-22T14:14:00.000-07:00

Digging through a drawer I found a Fathers day card 20 years old. The kids were too little to write, so like the great mom you were, you had them draw pictures inside and then you added:

"To the best daddy in the world, we love you (and mommy does too)".

I miss you so much baby. Thank you for being such a great wife, friend, and mother.

2009-04-24T04:34:00.000-07:00

Dipping my toe into the dating pool again...and it's uncomfortable. I know I can't nor should try to replace you but find myself attracted to women that look like you, talk like you, act like you. I even met one (online) with your name. Ridiculous as it seems, I take a little comfort in chatting with her.

I found your copy of "Mountain Man" by Vardis Fisher. How you loved that book. After reading a bit I find I like it and try to imagine your mind as you read it many times. I loved the way your mind worked (well at least most of the time).

E has found a girlfriend, and I lifts my heart to see him with her. Holding hands, sitting on your backyard swing. I had "the talk" with him so you don't need to worry. You never liked the having "the talk" with the boys...and felt it was the father's duty.

I love you and miss you.

2009-04-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

She died minutes after midnight on the first day of the month.

I miss her no less then I did that night.....and I'd still trade places with her. She always talked about wanting to see the boys grow into young men. She wanted grandkids, and to buy a cabin on a lake in Minnesota, and fish, and listen to the loons at night.

I've dated, but my heart isn't in it. I'm lonely at times, but don't want to be with others either.

Honey, I miss you and think about you often. I'm not crippled with grief; I work, keep house, shop, and enjoy life.....but I miss you. And will forever. I hope I never stop.

A hundred years from now....

2008-11-13T13:32:00.000-08:00

What will matter in a hundred years from now?

That the stock market dropped?
That my 401k lost 1/3 it value?
That my son failed algebra?
That I had to put $1000 in an old car to keep it running?

I worry about so many things. Will I stay healthy? Will I keep my job? Will I have enough money to put my kids through college? Will my mom need to come live near or with us as she get's ill?

When my wife was fighting breast cancer I worried...what if she gets sicker? What if she dies? How will I take care of the kids and house?

And then, she died. And I've survived. I feel guilty that she died....and I didn't. I feel mad that she left me....and I go on living, dealing with problems while she doesn't have to. I feel sorry for her and what she slowly lost....first her energy, then strength, then spirit, and lastly her mind. I asked her in her last weeks what she would miss about living. Her response...."fun". The fun of living.

I honestly would trade places with her today. Let her live.....take me.

I write this for myself. I expect no one to ever read it....but I need to just push out the thoughts through my finger tips. Out into the ethernet of the web.

Maybe shes out there reading it.

I miss you hun.

It's all relative

2007-12-08T05:00:00.001-08:00

Went to the first meeting of a support group last week. Six widows and three widowers attended, all who had lost spouses to cancer. Hearing others stories, thoughts, and feelings let me realize I'm not a crazy as I thought.

One interesting topic were thr "triggers" for grief. After four months passing, I find most days are neither all good nor bad. I find my mood is moderate and stable much of the time, but can quickly spiral down when something triggers rememberence of her. The sight of watermelon (a favorite food of hers), a song on the radio, a scent, or someting as simple as her handwriting on a post it note can push me into the abyss.

With three teenage sons, I worry about the best way to help them along. Two have girlfriends which seem to provide some support. The youngest seems to be struggling the most, and I try to spend as much time with him as possible. We are fortunate in that he has a close friend who lives nearby which helps. His friend's mom was one of E's best friends, and she has been great about keeping an eye out for him.

With winter here, the summer toys (kayaks, sailboat, camper and motorcycle) are in storage and the main diversion is music. I continue to play with a couple different bands and ensembles; bluegrass, jazz, folk, country-rock, and the like. Making music is balm for my soul.

After running through (over and over) the stages of grief I find anger being the one that reoccurs the most often. The best way I've found to burn the anger up is to get out my guitar and sing an angry song. The two I've used the most are Bruce Cockburn's "If I had a rocket launcher" and Elvis Costellos "What's so funny about peace love and understanding".

Off to play some bluegrass this morning........

A lot has changed......

2007-12-05T05:22:00.000-08:00

I had nearly forgotten I had started this blog. In the days after the last post, my wife became less responsive to chemo, stopped eating and drinking.

We made the hardest decision of our lives....and ceased chemo and started hospice care. She passed away minutes after midnight on August 1, 2007. As prepared as I thought I was in the years, months, and days leading up to her death, I was only fooling myself. I miss her more and in more ways then I could have ever imagined.

I started this blog as a way to get out my thoughts, with no real intentions of sharing it. And I think for my own sanity I need to continue. And will. Soon.

Life as a widower (what a freaky term) is interesting, and I'll be back with more. We just passed the four month mark since losing her, and my thoughts and emotions have run the gamut. My greatest concerns have been for my teenage sons. Until next time.....

2007-07-03T00:39:00.000-07:00

Almost two months since the last post. After a month in the hospital she was finally released. When she was preparing to leave she broke her leg while the physical therapists were helping her stand and walk. They were ignoring her complaints of severe hip pain. You'd hope professionals would know something was wrong, and check it out before pressing her onto continued walking. Was a horrible break, requiring mega doses of morphine, and surgery to put a rod insider her femur. I'm pissed at the nurses for not watching her more closely when she fell earlier, for not using the restraints when they knew she was a fall hazard, for not having the fall hazard sign posted (they had the sign posted earlier in a different room), for not having her hips x rayed after the earlier fall. No one even expressed an apology. I think they were all to afraid of getting sued, which I still think about doing.

And I'm pissed at God. For giving her one more obstacle.

So she's been home and much more comfortable. I put a hospital style bed in the family room off the kitchen so she isn't so remote in the house (if she was in her bed). Her strength has improved and she can stand and walk on her own, but she forgets (or is too stubborn to admit) her balance is poor. She shouldn't walk anywhere without the walker and someone to steady her when she wobbles. Every day I save her from falling. Occasionally I'll let her fall to remind her the balance is shot (I don't let her hit the ground, but fall into a chair or bed; I'm not an idiot).

Her memory is not improving, and is actually getting worse. She forgets the day, time, where she is, and if she's already eaten or taken meds. Her personality has changed, being more hostile, even at her mother who in the past she was usually submissive to. Sometimes she still has mild hallucinations. In the past few days I found her crying, but a short while later doesn't remember it. She's eating less, and it's daily battle to get her to eat or take medicine. She get's tired very easily, and seems to be sleeping more. She's become more incontinent; urinating in bed frequently, usually at night, but sometime during the day.

I feel trapped. I can't even go outside for five minutes for fear of her getting up and falling. Several times I've caught her standing, or walking: thank God she hasn't fallen. Her parents are great about helping, especially her Dad who comes most days around noon, to be there until I return from work. Several of her friends; Gayle, Kay, Linda, Pat, and others have come in the mornings and stayed until Gene comes. Her mom come late afternoon and stays an hour or two, but I can tell she is worn thin as well. And her mom's health is not the best either.

I researched Carcinoma Meningitis on the web and see chances of beating it are nil. She has 2/3 of the symptoms. Others like loss of hearing and vision sound even worse. Optimistic survival estimates are six to twelve months with treatment. Most pessimistic are four to six weeks without treatment (which she has already beat). The treatment she is getting is the gold standard, and no clinical trials are out there. Her orthopaedic doc says her bone healed ok, but the bones in general are metastasized with cancer. The neurosurgeon reported the tumor looks like it's all gone, but the involvement around the cortex continues.

Her oncologist has reduced her brain chemo from weekly to every other week. He said there will come a time when it will no longer be effective, so he'd rather slow it and make it last longer since the cancer cells are reduced in her fluid.

I have resolved myself to the fact she will die from the CM. The goal now is make her comfortable as possible. And I think we are doing a pretty good job so far. I hope my own health doesn't go downhill. I get less sleep, feel like I'm having an ulcer (or heart attack) at times. I'm depressed, angry, and feel cheated that I can't do simple things like take a walk, or sit in another room. I get angry when she fights me about eating, taking meds, or wanting to sleep upstairs, but I try to remember it's not her fault; it's the brain cancer. And she still has to fight the bone, liver, and lung cancer growing.

Back home

2007-06-10T06:39:00.000-07:00

We got her home about two weeks ago after a month in the hospital. After improving and getting out of ICU for her seizures, she moved back to a regular room. She wasn't to get out of bed to walk as her balance had been poor all along and the nurses knew it, however they failed to secure her in bed, keep the rails up, or post the notification on the door she was a fall hazard. A nurse walked in and found her on the floor. They xrayed her knees to see if she hurt them, but the xray looked ok. She began to complain of hip pain, and told the physical rehab people about it, but they walked her around anyway. While standing they heard a pop, and her leg broke leaving her in more pain then she's ever had in her life. Why the rehab people didn't heed her complaints of hip pain I'll never know. Surgery next day to install a rod inside her femur. Two more weeks in the hospital, and she is finally home. I'm so angry with the nurses for failing to protect her safety from the first fall, and angry with the phys therapy folk for walking her when her hip was in so much pain (and not suggesting another xray on the hip).

She's home now, but may never recover from the leg break enough to walk on her own. And dealing with chemo in her brain and another in her body all at the same time. Thank God she is a strong woman.

May 2

2007-05-02T02:31:00.000-07:00

I don't expect anyone to read this, but I need to get it out, lest it rattle around inside me until it starts to eat away at my psyche like the cancer that's eating my wife's body and soul.

It's difficult for me to start at the beginning, so I'll start in the present and work my way back. Much like one of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut does in Slaughterhouse Five.

My wife is dying. Of cancer. It started as breast, which we thought we had an handle on. Two masectomies, radiation, mutliple bouts of chemotherapy, and visits to five different oncologists have been part of the trip, but this last week really made me feel we were in the home stretch.

Her mind started to go about a month ago. She changed chemotherapies after her previous one showed a decline in effectiveness. The new one was showing signs of promise, but she had increased pain, we assumed due to the new med. Pain killers were prescribed, and she began taking the full dose as I didn't like seeing her hurting. Then she began getting confused. Speech was slower, and she sometimes chose odd words. Headaches started occuring, and daily bouts with vomiting; not all day, but more then she ever showed before.

I called her oncologist and Diane, my favorite nurse at the oncology center suggested I bring her in the next day. Diane made the appt, called me back and was extremely supportive but pushy. I took her in on a Wed morning, and they started her on an IV to hydrate her, added some pottasium, and ordered an MRI. MRI showed no tumors, but some inflamation around the covering of the cortex. A cat scan later that day showed the same. She was admitted while they ordered a spinal tap to test the fluid. That showed cancer cells in her fluid. Bad news. Surgery was scheduled to install a port for chemo, and another cat scan taken to look at the spot that may be a tumor. Surgery went well, but the tumor was more intrusive then they thought, eating it's way into her brain.

Her mom, dad, brother and a friend arrived to wait with me. I would of preferred to wait alone, which may seem cold, but I find I can think better without the distraction of conversation. Not to mention I end up consoling the people I'm waiting with. But I'm not so selfish that I don't realize they are her family, her blood, and and are as connected to her as I am.

After the surgery she looked like hell. But was semi concious. About half of what she could verbalize was coherent. She kept wanting to get up, and I consented to a vest like device that would hold her in bed. It seems mean, but she would hurt herself getting up, and she was tied to several machines and IV lines.

I'm scared I will lose her. I'm scared that she keep on living in pain and seeing the world through a dwindling mind.. I'm scared my boys won't know how to deal with either. I end up supporting and helping her friends that are more broken up then myself (at least on the outside).

Don't get me wrong. I'm hurting deep inside, but it comes out of me in different ways. I don't eat. I can't sleep. I haven't had a beer in a week. I cry when I'm alone.

I'm tired....it's four AM and I need a little more sleep before I have to motivate the boys to school.