1000 days and nights. It's been a long time since I counted the individual days. After reading the blog of a freshly grieving widow caused me to count the days again. How odd to find it's 1000. Maybe it's not an coincidence I decided to count again. Maybe it's your influence. I like to think it is.
Today is Memorial Day....just another reason of a million to think about and remember you. Your parents tradition was to drive downstate and visit graves. Some still think it's odd I keep your ashes at home. I don't care....I take comfort in having them near by.
I quit my job. Sick of their bullshit. Most think I'm crazy, but I know there is a better life out there. I thank you every day for having the motivation and foresight to start the salon. It's the income that keeps us afloat while I find that better job. Your Mom tells me your Dad sees it as a honor to you to keep it running well and looking good. I can feel your spirit as I walk around it.
G graduated college and found a job he loves. His skills of persuasion and negotiation are a good fit. You would be so proud of him. He would not of gotten into U without your help.
K and I dontated blood last week...and I thought about all the times you received blood during chemo. Those times we spent together at Edward became our dates. I even cherish the memories of those times with you. Afterwards I took Kev out for lunch and we had a good talk. He's certainly turned things around. Almost through year two in college. Quit smoking pot. I think back to how worried I was about him four years ago. Now it's E I worry about.
My friendship with M grows. I've introduced her to your Mom and Dad. She came to Easter dinner at your Mom's. They like her, and have been kind to her as I knew they would. Today she will meet N as we bbq. I feared having her there would make all feel odd, as in disrespectful to your memory. But knowing your kind heart...you'd welcome her yourself. You were always inclusive of all. Your parents have become my own...I couldn't be blessed with better ones if I had picked them myself.
My time off work has given me lots of time to clean, and fix, and most of all think about life....
As you became more ill I prayed to God to save you.
When it became apparent you were going to die I prayed for God to ease your pain.
When you died I prayed for God to ease the boys and your folks pain.
I then became so angry, so pissed off, so infuriated with God that I'd scream profanities at him. How does he have the balls to take someone so good. I argued you were so much better then I....that I deserved 1000 times more to be the one taken. I asked you what did I ever do that warranted you punishing me and the boys by you taking her.
I found a solution. I stopped believing in God. And I felt relief as then I didn't have anyone to blame. I wrote it all to fate. I stopped going to church. Ignored calls from the Pastor. Avoided neighbors from the congregation.
But I was missing something. Perhaps there is a God, but not one that sits in judgement of each soul, controlling and steering each life. I've continued to learn of other faiths, and been back to church looking for answers. A month ago I attended a unitarian service but it didn't feel right....almost as if there was no form whatsoever.
I've started reading about the Baha'i faith...and remember visiting the temple in Wilmette when I was a teen learning how they incorporate many of the worlds faiths. It seems to be along the lines of my thoughts...I feel that God is revealed through each of us through the prism of our own cultures....and each of them share common lessons. Even music, art, and science can be expressions of God. The common thread is "creation". To create is prayer. To create is to commune with God. To create may be the meaning of life.
You created our home. Our business. Our love. That was your tribute to God.
I miss and love you.
