Dear E,
Another 4th of July has passed...I had your family over for a picnic and fireworks. Your mom hadn't been over in a long time....and we gave the house a good cleaning in prep; you would be proud of how the boys worked. She seemed to do ok....but I know it brings back tons of memories for her to sit in the kitchen.
Long before you were diagnosed, about the time E was born I suggested I get a vasectomy. You told me no, I shouldn't as someday I may remarry and my new wife may want kids. We laughed and I told her I couldn't take any more kids. Several years later the topic came up again after you had fought cancer for several years. This time it wasn't the issue of vasectomy but remarrying. At the time I didn't want to talk about it....we, or at least I was still optimistic, or maybe more accurately said, in denial.
It's taken a while to start dating again. I keep telling myself I'm just lonely, and not replacing you. The truth is I am replacing your role...but not you.
For the past year I've had a long distance relationship with L. She is nothing like you - highly emotional, full of drama and an alcoholic on top of it (or the cause). She doesn't get along well with co-workers, friends, or family. Lust outweighed love - but we were meeting some need in each other so we plodded along. Several times a year we'd visit each other, either at our homes or at a vacation destination.
Things came to a tipping point a week ago when during one of our marathon phone calls she was reciting her litany of complaints about work, neighbors, family, etc. I think the actual complaint was a dress code for an upcoming meeting. When she paused I changed the subject, having learned I'm unable to solve her problems, and best thing to do is just let her ramble. She bitched at me saying "that was mean" referring to having nothing to say on the topic.
I blew up....telling her how tired I was of listening to her complain about everything. I said there were two themes to our phone calls.....her complaining.....and us fighting over some trivial thing. I wasn't mean....I didn't call her names. She thanked me for being honest...and I was a bit surprised she didn't get any more angry. We said good by, I sent her a text goodnight, and another good morning the next day, with no response. That was a week ago, and I've heard nothing from her - no text - no email - no call. I've known for a while I don't love her, but I feel sorry for her as she's got a troubled soul - but it's something I can't fix. It's done, and I will not get sucked back in.
I know you would tell me she is as wrong for me as can be. My mom and brother tell me the same. I guess I figured a bad relationship was better then no relationship. I was wrong.
So back out on the market. Dating's been interesting, and I've met some nice woman, but none I want to hang out with for any length of time. I need someone that's stable, kind, attractive (at least to me), and local. A week ago I met N at Caribou Coffee; she had a good sense of humor and we seemed to click. Another date for lunch or dinner is planned soon.
Today I meet P at the Promenade for lunch. She likes to camp, country music, and if anything like her photo is attractive. I'll know soon if there's any spark there.
So I'm not settling for less. I know how good love can be....since I had you.
I love and miss you......R
